Wednesday, August 28, 2013

There's a monster in my oven...

I love to cook. I enjoy the process and the artistry that it takes to make incredible food. I can hold my own when it comes to meats, veggies, or main course items; but I am no baker. Baked goods are my nemesis. I am frustrated by the knowledge that this one aspect of cooking has eluded me, it seems so simple...yet every time I go down in flames..literally.

One of my many failed cookie attempts

WHY? WHY? Is the question I hear myself muttering time and time again as I pull out another scorched batch of cookies. I have done things to cookies and cakes that seem to defy the impossible. I remember trying to bake a cheesecake one Christmas, only to find, minutes later, smoke rolling out of the oven. Needless to say, my cheese cake was not fire retardant...I don't believe I have ever seen anything burn so bright and so long in my life. It was beautiful really, quite festive.

I even fail at the store bought stuff. I bought some from the store the other day believing that this time I had a fail safe...I mean store bought dough is idiot proof..right? I perfectly measured my spooned out dough, checked the space between the rounded balls of scrumptiousness, pre-heated my oven to the appropriate temperature, and  I hoped that this time they would be perfect. When the appointed time arrived I opened the oven door and saw the carnage that were my cookies.  The cookies had somehow shifted down the sheet to form a pool of bubbling, semi-raw gooeyiness. To add insult, the edges of the blob cookie were burnt. Staring down at them, I noticed the blob had an unusual shape, it was almost as if something had shaped my cookies to form something. I texted my sister in law a picture of my failure and her text back gave me the answer to the curious shape of my cookie blob. "It looks like Roz! From Monsters, INC., mohawk and all!" does....
Roz, in cookie form.

 I used to joke with my college roommates that I had to sacrifice the first batch of cookies to the cookie gods in order to receive the blessing of a normal batch. Over the years I have come to believe that a hostile takeover has occurred in my oven, there has to be a monster living in my oven. It is the only explanation for my failure. Because it can't be me...oh no..never. I just wonder why this monster has chosen me? Why couldn't I have gotten the sugarplum fairy? And how do I eradicate this pestilent monster from my oven? Good questions...

So here I go to make cookies and I gotta ask, do the ghostbusters make kitchen calls?

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